Why ??

Just listening to this song by Scorpions...

We all live under the same sun..
We all work under the same moon
Then why...

If everything is the same then why do I feel that everything has changed?? WHy have I changed from the person I was....why am I the way I am now.......why are people different?? Why has everything changed??

So much has happened that I never blogged abt or told anything...small things ..big things....all shaping the way I like/dislike things.....small things that just got stuck in some crevice of my brain..and they linger on...and they dont hurt or soothe..juts stay there.....

Like wen I was in KL airport..I saw the coldest blue eyes....so cold that I cant even explain in a 1000 words...the coldest eyes in one of the most beautiful women arnd........and it just tsuck and even now wen I close my eyes I can see them...right in front of me as they were there......sending a shiver down my spine which is a mixture of fear and awe.....

Like this guy I met on my first flight to KL.....a south indian guy whose ancestors had settled in Malaysia ....this guy was from ISCKON....and over the next 4-5 hrs I had an amazing flight... some ppl are so beautiful inside that u end up talking to them for the whole nite and then u feel fresh for the next whole day...(yup didnt sleep for 2 days after that....was ina v gud mood..)

Like this lady next to me wen I was coming to KL the next time from Delhi....and was just looking at her in the boarding lounge...this lady was wearing a simple salwar and was carrying it like most Indians cannot..and she ended up sitting next to me....and I asked her..how long she had been in India..she smiled..and said.."20 years"...wot ensued was totally inexplicable..I opened up my heart like I had never done to anyone ever before...ended up telling her all my life's problems and my past...and for everything she had a sweet answer..and I still remember them wen I am down......She lives in India and visits Australia once in 5 years...
Wot she told me that nite....made me think....and made me happy as to how simple things were..and I was just unnecessarily complicating them....( didnt take her contact as I didnt want to run to her everytime I had a problem...)

Then everyday I see 2 beautiful kids of the lady from the grocery store across my apartment... they play and keep smiling..and I just wish they stay that way forever....

Then something bad happened last week..went to a disc cum nite club and it came out to be an ultra swanky and posh girl selling joint.....and I just felt damn uncomfortable there....but ppl arnd me were all over the babes.....I just cudnt...cudnt get myself to even talk to them..... and now someone says we will go to a lap dancing joint...all i could do was smile feebly.....

SO many things that I feel lazy just to pen it all down and am afraid that words will not do justice to all that has happened....and my experiences there......

Just that I want to go back to Pune for somedays...not bcoz of frnds alone..but coz I go back to the same places which somewhere hold a special place in my heart..some remind me of the gud times..some of the bad times..some of both....and I suddenly feel all the feelings I felt wen I was there...it is as if suddenly 2 ends of a conductor join and I feel electricity pass thru me.....
I still miss the missing of my heartbeat wen I saw that special some1..and of the times spent together..and where she said what...and where it finally ended....and the times spent with my friends after that..the places we drank...just so that I cud stop thinking abt her.....of the movies we saw just so that I cud run away from my office problems....of the evenings over a coffee that made me feel rejuvenated.....of the rain that hit me like a cold spear on my chest and of the rain that made me feel sad..of the rain that made me happy..of the flooding ....of sitting in Barista just watchjing the rain pour outside..watching people go abt doing their things.....of everything...

Tried to get the same feeling in Hyderabad but was unsuccessful and Malaysia is a far cry from all that..so just want to go to Pune....

It just makes me feel the same complicated self that I was earlier.....rather than the in ur face snobbbish a&*h*&* that I am now.......

Smwhr between coping wid not being able to make it thru CAT and changing jobs and city ..I changed so much that even I sometimes dont recognize myself......

Guess I am Dead nowadays...eh......

Dante's Inferno test...Iknew it somehow ;o)

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Simpsons Personality Test :o)

You Are Barney

You could have been an intellectual leader... Instead, your whole life is an homage to beer You will be remembered for: your beautiful singing voice and your burps Your life philosophy: "There's nothing like beer to give you that inflated sense of self-esteem."

The Simpsons Personality Test

Back??

I am again getting the same feeling...the feeling that I need to run away from all the ppl.....
Just not get back to them.....just be away for sometime....
But unlike the last time...this time I feel likekeeping this feeling to myslef and not publicizing it ..like iI did last time...lezzc...
Guess it was a gud thing to not to tell ppl yet that I am back......coz I dont know wen I ever will be..and for how long.......
Sometimes I wonder what will happen to me.. i am such a psycho.. but then I guess it's ok.. :o)

November Rain

Listening to November Rain again.... and it kind of feels funny....dunno why...
I remember the same song used to make me feel so much pain and so much ecstasy at the same time that I used to listen to it for hours at a stretch...but now....it feels so empty....dunno why..
Is it coz I am finally free..?? free of all my emotional baggage..or is it something more that I just don't understand???
Or is it coz the part of my soul that had feelings has died?? and I am a living corpse???
Dunno wot is wot....all is way too confusing and somehow I dont want to spend too much time trying to find an answer to this....am afraid that I willend up in the same visious circle I sacrificed so much to get out of......
Just want to live each day as it is just that.....don't want too much excitement or too much of sorrow..just simple day.....
At times that is what i need..and that is what i have....but guess can never be happy in what I get... :o)

Is this Heaven...

Guess am back in my own personal Heaven...after so many months of being on earth and struggling to get out of hell.....
So wots my personal piece of heaven like??
Well..a sexy song...on full blast on my earphones...sexy weather outside ( read rainy ) ..and that's all i need...
I feel as if I am flying...if I just close my eyes..I wud be flying in nothingnes...no walls no sun..just emptiness...where I can open my wings and fly.....and just listen to the sound of music.......
That's my Personal heaven..... :o)
Have been listening to too many songs lately and watching too many movies.....and I realize that this is what gives me peace......it gives me a peace of mind like no other.......I can forget everything for those few hrs/mins and that is all i want in life......
Some songs give u a different feeling altogether...like Kandisa..the one I am hearing now....
I feel as if I am just floating on the waves....as they come and go..and th sea is endless and I am floating with no fear..coz I have nowhere to go....just float is my aim......and I do just that.....
Have had so many interesting incidents over the past month or so..that I need to blog them here..but willdo wen I get a net connection next month....yup..
Till then.....will hold my peace :o)

Hmmm...

Had thought that I will never post anything remotely sad on this blog..all that crap goes into my earlier blog..but now I don't feel like opening my last blog as i am afraid i might get sucked into the same whirlpool I sacrificed so much to get out of.....so here it is...

Just got back from malaysia and am tired..sitting in office..doing some crappy stuff....office work is good but at present feeling tired.....feel like talking to someone .. need a break... need to be with some people I have hurt so much....actually...there lies the root of all my miseries....

Guess there are some actions in life...that makes you hate urself for the rest of ur life..but u can't undo it..and moreso u don't even want to try cause it might re-open the old wounds....and it might get worse....but then somewhere I will always be guilty of certain thinsg I did...and I hope people undertsand that it wasn't meant to hurt them but probably at that point of time...it was meant to hurt myself....but like always ..I am very sure noone will get my twisted mentality... probably coz i don't want people to figure me out......

maybe I am just afraid that it will bring out all the muck buried deep inside.....maybe I have just this proximity problem..as in..U GET TOO CLOSE TO ME..I WILL CUT U OFF.... which is strange.....tried to get out of it...but it has become more of a reflex ....can't help i t.... although I do try to....... but if i could have..I might have been married by now...LOL.....

Have tried everything n the past 4 months to completely change myslef..changd companies..went as far as possible from the ppl I was closest.....but somehow new bonds kept on getting created whenever I broke an old one...at the end I gave up.....stopped breaking all bonds and started mending the ones that were..but I guess there is one special bond..which was so pure and dear to me..that i brke it in the worst possible way.....and NOW...don't have guts to mend it for teh above..I guess it is better that i leave things as they are...after all I have to live with it.... if the other person is getting on with life then I shudn't disturb STATUS QUO...

moreover..what i m most afraid of..I might go back to my old ways and again break it later...and it might be in a worse way...like I have always known.....TH EONLY THING IN THIS WORLD..I FEAR...IS MYSELF...... ( well GOD is not in this world..right :o)... he is out of this world )

So i try to work harder...for longer hours...trying to throw out my past...trying to change myself completely so that even I don't recognize myself.....dunno how far i will be successful..but am trying....
it's like..the Matrix Quote...

"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead … only try to realize the truth."
"What truth?"
"There is no spoon."
"There is no spoon?"
"Then you'll see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."

But what do i do in malaysia when i have free time?? I can't help thinking abt my past....dunno why...!!??

BTW was funny that th first thot that came to my mind as teh plane took off from hyd to Chennai ( where I had to catch the flight to KL ) was...

"I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you humans are not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and we … we are the cure."

Was funny..but it came just lik that when i saw all th houses below.....and all i cud do is laugh inside....

I know I am PSYCHO..so skip re-affirming that...

It's a new day :o)

And isn't it beautiful :o)
Life can be as beautiful or as ugly as u like it to be.....but then what we don't realize that it is a very simple equation if we know what variables to solve first and what next and what last....
We keep on complicating the entire web of events till we don't get caught in it...and then we make another web to escape from this one...
Anyway......so life is simple and let's try to keep it that way.....
One thing i have noticed....wen i was in pune and was all sad and philosophical ..I had a very gud sense of humor as in...could crack PJs at any time and they qwere really bad...heheheee
but now...in Hyderabad....I haven't cracked even a dozen in the last 4 months or so....and it is a point of concern for me...altho I choose to let it be...caancerns ho ya naakcerns ho...who cares...got too much work to do :o)
And here I am going back to pune coz Poras is on his way back to J&K..so lezzc...will party v hard 2mrw....
Rest....let it rest.. :o)

Canteetrix

Hmmm...something really funny happened whn I went to eat food at the office canteen....and it was a v funny co-incidence..so here goes...

Went to eat food..picked up the plate and went on to pik the cutlery when..

ME: There is no Spoon...(realizing what I had just said...and just that it was from the Matrix....)
ME : heheheee....... Dejavu ( LOL....was v funny..another thing from the Matrix......when Neo sees two similar Cats passing thru......)

Was actually v funny to me...so I thot i shud log it here...

Besides..nothing much......going to Pune this weekend...have some work...will be back on tuesday...sigh.....

MATRIX QUOTES

Some of my fav dialogues from MATRIX -

Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about I give you the finger … and you give me my phone call?"

"Why do my eyes hurt?"
"You've never used them before."

"I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. I'm going to show them a world without rules or controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you."

"I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing … why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know, because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did."

"You have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be."

"Neo … nobody has ever done this before.""I know. That's why it's going to work."

"The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to."

"You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth."

"I'm trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it."

"I didn't say that it would be easy, Neo. I just said that it would be the truth."

"Don't think you are. Know you are."

"Do you believe that my being stronger or faster has anything to do with my muscles in this place? Do you think that's air you're breathing now?"

"Come on! Stop trying to hit me and hit me!"

"There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."

"The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see? Business men, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand that most of these people are not ready to be unplugged, and many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it. Were you listening to me, Neo, or were you looking at the woman in the red dress?"
"I was—"
"Look again."

"I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you humans are not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and we … we are the cure."

"It means buckle your seatbelt, Dorothy, 'cause Kansas is going bye-bye."

"I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss."

"To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human."

"What's really going to bake your noodle later on is: Would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything?"

"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead … only try to realize the truth."
"What truth?"
"There is no spoon."
"There is no spoon?"
"Then you'll see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."

Thots...

Some random thots that I have heard over the past few days or have been thinking abt..just thot that I shud log them here..errr..blog them here :o)

1) Was listening to November Rain after a looong time yesterday..and this song is like the best that cud have ever been composed..well opinions differ but then who cares??
It was funny how my perception and imagination has changed...I remember telling a friend earlier that wenever I heard the song it just felt like that some1 was driving a knife in my heart and with each summit reached by the guitar I felt that the knife has been driven deeper...and that it hurts so much....
now wen I heard it yesterday..the only pic that came to my mind was of the eagle I watch outside my office wen I go out to smoke....and it seemed so right that with each peak reached it looked like the Eagle was soaring..towards the sun....with a new gust of energy rising ... felt great :0)

2) Someone told me yesterday and I thot that it deserves a blog....

THE BIGGER THE QUESTIONS THE SMALLER AND EASIER THE ANSWERS.....

Hmmm...nice thot and I guess in a way it is right...but neway..nice thot :o)

3) Work is hectic nowadays..but I guess I am loving it :o)

Burpity Burp.... :o)

hehehee..just had loads of food...as in fed myself to the hilt..err....throat....Well for 1 the fud wasn't that gud but wot the heck....I felt like feeding myself..so I did... :o)
BTW my funny side is up again... :o)
But havent yet come up wid some real gud PJ...that wud get ppl to pull their hair out...so no ref here :o)
Also..wots the bst part of Feb?? U get paid for 30 days while u work for 28 only ..so that means today is PAY DAY....PAY DAY...yippppeeeeee....
Hehehee..does that mean another huge Cornetto?? or a Sundae on a tuesday??? Lemme think..so many choices so li'l time....whew...how very difficult.... :o( sigh.....

Pukey Pukey....

Yikess...guess wot i saw in the morning...Calvin Kissing Susie.....am not in that gud a mood as I feel that th last bastion of male singleness has fallen :o(
Anyway..I still carry on.. :o)
hehehee...I finally had one cone of unadulterated...pure....ICE CREAM last nite...guess will have another tonite :o)
There ish shomething awfully shcrewy going on in here ( said in Fudd's accent)......these guys in office have started playing songs on the PA system....hehehe....feel as if i am in some mental asylum whr soft songs are played to cool us down or am in some stupid restaurant ... heheheee..
Surprise Surprise.....one guy who was a spokeperson of Taliban has just got into Yale..and the course he has got into has a topic on Terrorism...wonder if he has joined to complete some UNFINISHED BUSINESS..???
Ok so the idiots at ASKJEEVES have done it...read it in the morning paper but didn't blv that ppl can be sooo foolish....these guys have removed Jeeves..and will be known as ASK.com only... they have made some changes and say that the new search engine is better and faster..but where the flying fuck does removing JEEVES affect that???? Dunno... Softie idiots...
Ok..so the Union Budget is round the corner....Plzzzzzz...Goddd... let me save some money this time...plzzzzzz... I intend to buy smthgs this year..... mummmeeeeee :o(

On a day like today :o)

Going back now..yayyyyy...office is over...as in was over abt 2 hrs back but had to wait for some1 to come in office in canada so that I cud make a call....neway....
Now for the thots at the end of the day :-
1) ME IS GOING TO EAT ICE CREAM..slurp slurp :o)
2) Ani can no longer blog as they blocked the URL for the same....hope he is not bawling all over Indonesia.. :o)
3) Just read Starfish'es blog twice and these ppl here have already blocked it...IDIOTS... y do they have to be soo efficient whr they shudn't be??
4) Y r thr so few HAPPY blogs out there??
5) I think I have lost touch with my PJ cracking self...bad..bad....v bad....
6) 1.5 cigs in the whole day...yipppeeeeeeeeeee....

I want ICE CREAM

I think at times i just lose all traces of sanity way behind....
Was just reading a random blog wen I cam across a pic of fresh fruits and suddenly I felt kind of hungry in a strange way...
Strange coz..
1) Just came back from lunch
2) I think that only ice cream will satisfy my hunger...
3) Ice cream shud contain large chunks of fresh fruits..esp grapes...
So I am currently just trying to keep this urge at bay.....but OMG it sure is hard.....
C'mon..tummy dear...plzzzz...puhleeeeseeee...wait for some hrs more and then we will feed u... wid loads of ice cream from just outside the office..okies...but plssssssssssss... have mercy till then....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaann.....
Not working yet......Need ICE CREAM..NOWWWWWWWWWWw

Give life a chance... :o)

So had a nice long refreshing weekend....saw 2 gud movies..AS GOOD AS IT GETS..and LEAVING LAS VEGAS..all on TV..and saw some great vids too...so am happy again on Monday :o)

It is funny that we feel sad at times coz we don't get what we want...which most of the times is like EVERYTHING....and we don't realize wot all we HAVE at present and how much better off we are ..... and how much we ar missing out on by not experiencing th epleasure of having all these things in our lives.....and we keep on crying for the things we lost...till we lose something that we had earlier....and then we realize wot we lost...Irony of it all...

Well here is how the above train of thots came..was 4 am on Saturday morning..was listening to some romantic song on TV..and decided to gout in the balcony for a smoke..and as I stood outside..with the slight chill in the air...not too much..not too li'..JUST RIGHT..and was smoking..suddenly I felt the bauty of it all come and strike me in my face... and the irony that it was all right there with me..but i just didn't ever give things a chance.... was playing for small change when I already owned the house :o)

Needless to say the emotional high that i have been on..for the past week or so...just went a notch higher.. :o) Suddenly I feel ..LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.....and it is right there.....in front of us.... we just don't give it a chance.....

Last 4- months were hell..was going thru another patch of bad everything.....actually everything.. my friends were not there..altho i don't balme them for that...wen I needed them most....and i felt sad..and kept on going into the depths of depression...till in Mid feb..i reached rock bottom...then I guess..there was only one way left..UP :o)

So currently enjoying the music playing in the background in office..not complaining abt the bad cold I had over the weekend..or that I am waiting for some incompetent nincompoop to complete his work..so that I can start working...just enjoying the time I have..with myself...and with all that I have..viz EVERYTHING :o)

Believe me life can be gud...just give it a chance.....and then u'll see :o)

back....

So we start blabbering all over again..actually it is mor eof I this time.......but then y a new blog?? Hehehe.. duffer .. sicko... psycho... dodo.. this is Part 2 .. Part 1 is over :o)

So in a new place wid new and strange ppl...( ppl are always strange..blv me...either they don't get u or u don't get them....) but in this God forsaken gulti Land haven't seen one BABE material in my office.... :o( But surprise surprise...ehehhheheeee.. saw one today...wheeeeeeeeee..sigh.....

Target sighted.....now for the KILL ;o) .....but first watch before u plunge :o)