Am back on this after months /years..... Just that I pushed myself so deep in this cave of worldliness that I forgot I was a visitor...and actually became a squatter :o)) And looks like I don't remember the way out anymore...at least I hope so....
Just looking at my blogs from the past ...and I realized how much I have changed.....how well i fit into things nowadays! I feel I have disguised myself so well that even I don't recognize myself...and that I acted so well that the act has become my life and everything that was real has just faded away in memory......the past has gone away and the fog of time has swept away everything I used to recognize myself with......all that is left is a haze that makes it impossible to see anything when I turn back......I don't know if the road left behind still has the stones I cried on when I was hurt or the pebbles that people threw at me or the rocks I fell on? All I have to tell me that the past wasn't a dream are the bruises on my body.....Maybe I just don't want to test how well they have healed...maybe I am afraid that some of them haven't...maybe I will never be able to find out...maybe that is how things ought to be......
Sometimes I just look at myself in the mirror and see the wrinkles of time on my face.....hear myself talking in the head and realize how much has time warped my thought process.... What is it that got me here?? I certainly know i wanted to get away from my past but I most certainly did not board a one way train to the place I am in now...... I feel I am getting weaker....maybe getting stupider......and becoming more sensitive....I get the feeling that i dont have the will to fight left anymore.....I would rather leave the field than stand up for the things I believe in.... maybe I know that I will lose like I always did earlier.... Maybe I needed to fit in...maybe I cudnt swim against the current any longer.....maybe I took the easier way out...may the 'easier' way was the ONLY way to SURVIVE.........!!??
inspite of all that I realized today that somethings deep inside havent changed...neither has my first reaction to them.........
It is so funny when you just think of how you would react to certain situations some years back and how you look at situations now.......even if you change your eyes the vistas still seem to be the same..it is only when you change your thoughts that things seem different....... maybe therein lies the answer...... the core remains the same and cannot change...the peripherals have been refurbished beyond any meaningful recognition.....and it is only when I encounter ecstasy or pain that I realize the subtle difference in myself...
Well...back to reality....coz the 'act' is the real world now..... keep dancing like a clown coz only then can you survive :o)
Monday, November 24, 2008
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