Another why?

U seem to be on the top of things...ppl kind of like u and those who dont dont matter....u seem to be everyone's favorite (almost everyone)....and u feel at present u can do anything superhumanly possible.....in short..u r on the TOP OF THE WORLD....then..

U wake up one morning...and realize how lonely u r ....how alone and sad u r inside...and that the "kid' u thot u had killed after one of ur life's biggest sacrifices is still there....and nothing can kill him... and the pain and the loneliness that has always been there..will linger on....will never fade away.. will just hide in one corner of ur heart ...so that u cant see it or choose to ignore it.... Everything is the same.....

U r the same F%$ked up *&h*&e as u were..albeit lonelier....and the worst is yet to come....

U dont want to be NOT ALONE...as in u like being sad..u like it wen ur heart cringes..u love it wen u r almost in tears........u just crave for the feeling of self pity.....

Ahhhh..self pity.....how funny...u hate ppl pitying u and u love self pity??? Amazingly funny and sarcastic ......

Anyway..besides the point.....sometime I wonder if the world itself is not worth it...dunno... wen I answer that question only one of 2 outcomes will happen...anyway..till then I keep postponing the resolution.....

Dunno why I am in THAT mood again..after so many months....(improvement altho..coz it used to happen in hrs earlier..) but even then..!??

Guess I knw the answer......and was foolish enuff to tell someone....was a stupid dream....wotever....

I feel like a complete idiot......and dunno wot to do wid myself?? As in I guess any more self mutilation of my inner sould will cause everything to crumble and fall in pcs......

SO lezz admit it....

TODAY as on 8th Mar 2007, 2130 hrs Malaysian Standard Time... Anuj Saxena is feeling like a complete fool and wants to go back to the pain and happiness he had abt 2 yrs ago and before..altho he had no money then.....but then money is smthg I can lose to get all that back....

Dunno...feel like bloody crying ..but I knw like always the tears won't come....they will just hide in my eyes...and will stay there till tey dont go away.....

For once..i want to cry...cry for a day or two...been 15yrs probably since I cried in front of anyone..including mom....now I want to cry ...cry on someone's shoulders... for no reason...or for the pathetic person I have left myself to be.... the dead man I have become....nothing inside... smile outside.....

Forget it....2mrw will be a new day.....hopefully... :o)