Wot I've become?

Sometimes I guess Blogging is like therapy for me...lets me take out all my hidden frustrations and anger as the world outside doesn't care and/or I don't want then to know what goes on in my head....
So the whole point is that the last 3-4 months have been kind of surreal.....it is all happening so fast and at the same time it is happening in so many different ways with so many people involved that I am dazed and confused and am unable to understand what or why is this all happening at this time?
So as it happened...I suddenly meet some dames from my past ... and also start thinking about the past and what could have happened and what not....all very strange for me...not that it is painful or something just that it is all to strange for me...and my conclusions this time are even funnier..
E.g. I concluded that if I had ended up with Shikha we would have been divorced by now as I had shown her my best side only...and that she would get on my nerves and I would take on the hurt and still be good...and this kind of an attitude would have only lasted for some years and then I would have retaliated and things would have got out of hand kinds..and then...
Then the dame from office....I think I didn't take her seriously while she was all head over heels and I had been a complete asshole with her....she didn't deserve it all.. but somehow I still ended up doing that to her...sad again.....
And then the other one from offc I couldn't say anything to as I was too tired..but have always felt that would have been the happiest if I would have responded to her..and now she is going to be a mom..May God bless her kid :o) She was the nicest...but I was an asshole again..always rude and what not.....she still kept on being nice..how can I forget the idlis and appams made specially for me for breakfast as I used to get late to office and would miss my b/f... No one has ever done that to me....
Then there have been 2 in the very recent past..as in last 1 year or so....and now when I look back....I guess I have been a total SOB to all the girls in my life.....
Ahhh..why repent now? Well coz I guess I am going to get married soon and I suddenly realize that I might be an asshole to my wife too and that is the one thing I won't be able to handle... I mean.....you have to be the nicest and best-est person to your wife but am too scared that somewhere I would slip back into asshole-ness of mine and God I don't want to...
Dont't know what to do....need to do something about it....and fast

Puducherry :o)

Hmmm..so finally moved my lazy bum and went on with unkown people to an unkown destination....hehehe.. Must confess I was kind of in two minds most of the time till i finally sat in the cab for Pondicherry.....but anyway I guess it was good :o)
SO here I was..standing in front of a mall waiting for people I dodnt know at all about...all I knew were their fone numbers.....and thinking OMFG how screwed can things get from here and why dont I take the auto back home....after all I dont owe anything to anyone and it isnt a compulsion.. but somehow stayed on...
Then came my first co-traveller...and then the second..and then cam ethe cab with 2 more... And that is all I would write abt them as they deserve a separate post all together :o))
So here I was in the back seat all cramped up but had an awesome view of the sky from the rear of the cab...and didnt realize when I felt asleep till the car hit a bump..and I soon realized that sleeping will be a luxury on the last seat of an Innova....still tried and stretched after after 2-3 hrs till I woke up at 5 in the morning to realize that we were almost there....
It was beautiful....the sun rising ever so slowly and palm trees on the roadside and that slight chill in the air that makes you want to go out and take a walk in.... NICE :D
And then we went on a wild goose chase trying to find Auroville...and every one told a different direction..only in the end did we realize that there are multiple ways of going to Auroville :o))
And then when we finally entered Auroville..it was an awesome experience for me....haven't seen anything so serene and beautiful in so many years..maybe because of so many trees around and that it was raining...wow...totally awesome ... and no cars/vehicle...no people also at stretches... just a solitary person walking in deep thought..... I must admit the rain made it all th emore beautiful......
So after going around in circles for almost an hour and a half we finally found the Youth Camp we were to bunk in..and it was even more beautiful (albeit sans any facilities) but all I could see was the sun peeping from the bamboo shoots that had formed an umbrella all over the place... totally awesome :D :D
Yes..everyone else was cribbing but I loved the sun peeping from the shoots.....haven't seen anything like this ever....and all that was around was like a forest....and no humans or animals..... It was literally in the middle of nowhere :D
Then we went about seeing Auroville and I missed a cycle there..I wanted to get lost in the whole forest known as Auroville..in the trees that bend over to embrace you and the red roads that cling on to your shoes....and the sun peeping at you from where it could get an opening .... It was like a different world altogether...... And maybe I didn't want to come out of it :D Just get LOST..never to be FOUND :D
Anyway ...went around and saw the Visitor's center ..

And there was this huge poster of someone meditating in the Matri Mandir (the huge golden globe at the epicenter of Auroville) and it just said "The most important thing to know is yourself" and it just hit me...and then I just kept sinking into the whole idea of Auroville.....

All that is required of a human being is to work..and money and position have no meaning there...everyone just works to the best of their ability and only limit being one's own capability... And suddenly Ayn rand seemed so cosmetic....don't know how..but it did..right there...right then.. you don't own anything..you make your own house..the land belongs to Auroville... and when you die..the house goes back to Auroville.... All solar electricity ... all water harvested on their own...it was a lovely idea that has since not left my mind and somewhere I guess I would always want to go back and contribute some years of work there and see where it takes me from there...
And where ever I saw..I could see people not being held back from anything just that they chose to be quiet and smile at you as if looking at kids who need to grow up to understand things in life which are hidden to them now :o) It was beautiful.....and it kept raining....

Then we moved out after lunch and after catching a nap we went to Puducherry Beach :o) Nothing much to say about the beach after dark but the best part came when we started to look for good pubs around ...and everyone had their list...
It was then that I realized that Puducherry existed in the small by lanes and still was so beautiful...each of the restaurants and pubs would just appear out of nowhere on the roof of some building and had a welcoming ambiance about it all.....
I wanted to sit at each one of them......maybe have nothing but just soak it all....it was beautiful....
Aaahhhh...and Le Cafe...how can I forget that...a cafe in French style...the lone building (if you can call a 2 room single storey house that) on the beach and it served coffee...wow... Just too good.... :D
I was wondering if the next time I would stay at the Promenade or at Auroville.... Maybe both :o)
Then again the next morning we went to Puducherry and found out that you could walk across the bloody city on foot.....wow....just take one street and it goes across the city and it isnt a long walk......and all the places were in the bylanes..... an awesome netwrok of straight parallel roads criss-crossing eah other.... and people driving in from all directions without any traffic signals and going on in a sort of ordered chaos...... :D :D

Minus the humidity and the heat on the day..I just loved the whole experience and would definitely like to go ...maybe all alone this time.....and just get lost at Auroville and then walk through all the by-lanes in the French Quarter and just soak it in.... :D

Maybe AGAIN!!

PS - When you look at the whole plan of Auroville then you understand the method to the madness....It is like the Matri Mandir at the epicenter and the whole place coming out from the it like a tornado swirling from the center or as I saw it..like the EYE :o) Eye to see things clearly... to comprehend the whole new world that awaits us.... to look outside with the focus being on the self....

Once in a lifetime

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime :o)

Wonder if any opportunity ever comes the second time in anyone's life :D

So be very careful for what you choose will determine where you go and what you get :D

Maybe if you are lucky you would live it the way it was supposed to be and know the End :D One wrong step and you would end up losing yourself and the last page of your life too :D

And then there won't be anything to erase and no way to rewind the reel :D

Sad but true...eh?

Wow....what a weekend :D

That was one weekend I needed so bad.....without any faltu tension and all... Just total fun :D And yes ..spent money like crazy again :D
So here is how it went...
Friday - After a hectic week....had to go to a party at Gaurav's at Night...have to admit that I wasnt too enthusiastic but hell...something is better than nothing..so Off I went :D And had loads of fun (read RUM) hehehee...and nice snacks :D And then had a good time in the end.. The most shocking thing? A couple said I looked like Karan Johar minus his mannerisms..I must say I blushed :D then Tappu called at nite and then again I was kinda high..... It is soo difficult to keep things inside when you are high and sleepy and you have a friend you trust at the other end :o( Still everything wasnt told but I still feel guilty talking about it...anyway...raat gayi baat gayi ;o)
Saturday - Yes..this time had already worked out what to do on a Saturday...booked tickets for "All the Best" and went to see the movie..Nice :D was hilarious and my mood was soo much better that it is hard to describe :D Then had a beer at Jukebox with Sid and then went home and slept. Got up and saw EPL again :D Had fun as I watche dit till midnight :D
Sunday - Aaahhh..finally Hrishi agrres to go for an outing..so off I went with him to SUnny's and grabbed a beer and then went on a shopping spree... I must say that I needed atleast another 10-12k for my entire shopping to get over but then I didnt :o( But anyway enjoyed buying whatever I did..incl Sexy Shoes :D Came back and had wine and slept...
Monday - Wow..still trying to get out of the weekend fun I had and working hard to keep myself from thinking what I concurred over the weekend..... hmmmm....
I hope I get more weekends where I am not sad in the future.. Please God!!!

I'm with you :o)

Been some time since I felt so low and enjoyed it so much...somehow I have the sam eold sad and tingly feeling coming back inside me that I had about 4 years back...and I have to say..I missed it!!
Somewhere I thought I can win ove rit all..Somewhere I had started to believe that life will get better and there will be no more pain in my life I look in the other direction...and that everything's going to be alright!!
Guess what...it hasn't and as I fight my own addictions this old song has opened up some old wounds again..
"Trying to figure out this life..."
Sigh......I don't think I can ever do that...and you know what...I got the saddest thought last night.. So sad that I suddenly wanted a smoke.... The same old dream that I had given up 4 years ago so that I could sleep in peace...the same old thought that I had buried somewhere deep under the debris of my plans....that "there is someone somewhere..." and "all will be ok"...
I dont want to believe it..I know where this will take me...and I am sure I will end up being even more miserable than I am now...but it is pulling me deeper into it with every passing day and I can't resist it...
I feel to weak.....and my pillars of strength have gone now....
I will fall this time....FINALLY!!??

Sleepless in Bengaluru ;o)

And I dont know if the reason for being Sleepless is the same :o(
Just that I dont know what is going on in my head..seriously no idea....I just draw a blank when I try and think what is the reason for my insomnia....There just doesn't seem to be one and at the same time there seem to be so many of them all at once.... It is damn confusing for me currently..
To add to this..I am still going to the gym every morning and it makes me even more tired as I am not getting proper sleep at the same time.... Have tried everything...even beer last night.. Nothing seems to work...and I am irritated to the point of crying at my helplessness but all my eyes can feel right now is sleep...
I dont know if it has ever happened to me before and I am just over -reacting or if this is the first time...I guess it has happened before and I ALWAYS over-react!!!
Currently all I am asking for is that I be allowed to sleep well..after all that is my only last escape from everything.....(and to think that some people think that I drink for that...duh!!)
And I dont even know what triggered all this..as far as I remember I was sleeping pretty fine till Saturday night and then suddenly...just lik eout of the blue...on Sunday night I find out I cant sleep!!
Thought that it might be coz I slept well in the day so it is a temporary thing but last night really took the cake....I went to bed at 9 with traces of blood in my alcohol stream.....and guess what? Ok dont...it is easy..I couldnt sleep till 2...or atleast that was the the last time I checked my cell for time... Did everything...took every advice (and my roomie does have loads of them for everything) but still it just didnt come....
If it was a problem or feeling I could put a finger on then I would have resolved it...thought over it..come to a conclusion..no matter how difficult the choice had been and then SLEPT!! But what does one do when he doesn't know the REASON for it all??
The good point was that I was up to wish my bro on his BDay at midnite....and the sad part is that my body is aching as I ended up doing weights today in the gym :o( and am damn tired and sleepy.... My feet feel like they would give way at times and my eyes are closing but I still can't get any sleep...
The worst part of it is that as a result I dont know what I am doing and am checking every second if I am doing the right thing or am just sleep walking? And to top it all I dont know if I am talking /writing sense or just blabbering illogical banter?
Don't know and am just hoping for a good Sleep tonight .. Please God....!!

Aaah Diwali :o)

Somehow Diwali is closer to my heart than Holi or any other festival...dunno hy...maybe th light all around banishing darkness...maybe the sight of a single diya standing tall amidst all the darkness and still holding everyone's attention and looking pretty...Funny it just brought about a corrolary that even I was unprepared for...and that my dear friend doesn't happen very often ;o)

Well,,no point in keeping it inside and I guess that is whole point of this private place/blog of mine... It brought to my mind what a woman in a man's life should be....stand there...tall...keep him from going towards the darkness of despair .... and all she can do is just be there when he needs her the most...

Needless to say I guss not going home this Diwali was a good decision in the end...why? Coz I needed to see the pain that I was avoiding by drowning myself in all the stupid alochol... The pain of not having a woman in the house who can do all the decoration and nice little things .. and I do know it will be a pain considering all the drapes to be changed and what not..so what do i do? I single handedly change everything in the house .... and it made me feel good.. but at the same time it made me miss being near someone I could look at dressed up all pretty for the occasion and then get tired and sleep at night wondering what I had done right in my life to deserve her to be by my side.... :o) maybe I would see such a day or maybe I won't.. maybe I need to take the plunge anyway.....

After all I can't just run away to Mommy and Daddy on every occasion and feel complete... I dont know if this is a pasing phase but seeing all the marred people working together to get their house look beautiful was heartening and saddening in the same breath..... Sad coz I am still waiting for God knows who..and who as I have increasingly started to beleive might not come to me at all in the way I think she should....
The biggest fear I have of an arranged marriage is the same...what if I am wrong? But then I guess...what if I am right? OhGod..i am so gong to kick myself if I am right... for losing out on all the years I could have spent with her...

Anyway..away from my personal angst..which never ends anyway.... ;o)

Back to Diwali.... :o) So it came and it went and I felt sad for not being able to celebrate it... Maybe it is about time that I realized that no one is concerned how or what I do ..and I need to find my own zone of happiness.. find my own place in the sun... stop hiding in the shade and hoping that someone will come over and pull me out to play and make me laugh and be happy...

I guss the biggest problem wih me is that i end up sacrifing too much for people who dont even understand me and all they care is how much I should understand them and who really do not deserve the kind of importance I give them.. All some people care is whether I am at their beck and call and never really tried to prod why I am so sad and so angry at times.....

Life is such a bitch at times....and I guess so are people..... I mean i an understand people being assholes in office to me...but why in my personal space where I am the softest.. maybe coz it is so easy to hurt me that makes people go after me.... What is hidden from them is that I get hurt very easily and way too much......and it taks time for me to heal myself....a lot of time.. i am not a bloody fucking pendulum that keeps on coming back.... maybe one day i wont come back.... But by the time I come to a decision of not coming back to the ean position i am already too bruised and hurt.... And I keep wondering why I keep doing this to myself.... maybe coz I smwhr blv that things will get worse before they get better..only now I am gtting to realize that maybe somethings just keep on getting worse and are not meant to be good and that the good part was an aberration......

I guess I should stop now else I will keep crying and won't end up writing anything about Diwali :o)

Dont know where it goes :o)

And I am still wondering why I ever stopped listening to music in office? Ahhh... the fun and my own personal world where I could walk alone without worrying about anything or anyone...sigh.... I guess it was a bad decision after all.. :o)
So weekend was good to some extent but then came Manu and her fiance...and then it really fucked up my mind..big time..here was this girl who can make any guy happy and be his ideal wife and friend and what does she do? She starts to spoil it all...in any way she can and at the same time not having the guts to do it completely...aaarrrggghhhh...
Maybe that's a part of life? That you will have everything that is needed but even then you end up not using it ..but on the contrary you end up being careless about it to the extent that you spoil it... reminds me of "don't go chasing waterfalls" by TLC :o)

or like always..I might be completely wrong (!!??)..coz inside I realize I am the one confused :o)
Seriously..I don't know what's the problem with me and why can't I see the world in B&W and have to always see it in multiple shades and myriad of shapes... till the time that it freaks me out and I end up hiding under someone ... till I don't get kicked out :o))

So what else is on my mind? The fact that I am lonely at times and the feeling has just been growing over the past month or so and if I am unable to keep it in then it would mean another sad episode in my life..another incident that will start (although I am totally at a loss as to with whom..) and then end up being an unfortunate accident... Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself ?? As in...it is heights of stupidity and I should just let go of all this feeling of "wanting to be needed" and whatever crap my head throws in these times.....

I guess we have to let go of things that hurt us even though they may be very beautiful... I guess letting go is something I need to practise all over again :o) Not that I am as bad as I was about 4 years ago but I nee dto let go of everything and not just everyone.... Hmmm.. But then again I wonder..IS IT TIME???

Oh yess..Time for meeting :o)

Stupid fucking office and what not.....till next time..

Adios..

Always....and Forever..

Confused i.e... I am always confused about things that matter the most in my life esp in matters of the heart... I have never ever..actually..never ever felt so damn sure about anyone that made me feel that this is what you have been waiting for all your life.... this is IT!
Now a simple clarification...to myself mostly....the above doesn't mean I have NEVER felt like that for anyone..but that for a feeling which could lead to a complete change in my life and my goals...shouldn't I ALWAYS be with that feeling?
Currently the problem is that such a feeling comes and then with the same silent swiftness goes away too and I am left wondering as to what led me to feel like that in the first place...
Isn't it weird .....actually I am very strange.. and funnily even though I have been trying for so many years..I will still remain like this... Don't know why ... That is the least of my worries anyway ;o)
maybe that feeling is never meant to come my way and I should just listen to my head and go rather than wait for my heart to feel that way..EVER....
Sad state of affairs but then ..
C'est La Vie!!

Where am I?

I guess with each passing year I am going farther from where I started..I just keep drifting away...and the bloody stupid part is that I dont know if I am drifting towards the shore or away from it? All that I know it is easier to wade with the current now but more difficult to find my bearings.....sigh...don't knw why or what is happeningor why it had to happen...
Just that "It's a part of growing up" doesn't seem like a strong enough argument anymore....
Wonder what else is left for me to see and what else I will have to go through to get through with this life and finally reach the end....And am already regretting saying that ..coz I have this feeling that the worse might just be lurking round the next corner....
Know what...realized that you have to options in this stream of life..either you keep to yourself and then the whole world leaves you there...or you forget your inner self and get on like everyone else...more worldly and more materialistic......Is it a battle you can't win either way or is it that only I lost......
I keep getting better at work and keep getting worse as a human being....where does it end?
How did I get here?
Most imprtantly...where am I? and where am I going from here?