Somehow Diwali is closer to my heart than Holi or any other festival...dunno hy...maybe th light all around banishing darkness...maybe the sight of a single diya standing tall amidst all the darkness and still holding everyone's attention and looking pretty...Funny it just brought about a corrolary that even I was unprepared for...and that my dear friend doesn't happen very often ;o)
Well,,no point in keeping it inside and I guess that is whole point of this private place/blog of mine... It brought to my mind what a woman in a man's life should be....stand there...tall...keep him from going towards the darkness of despair .... and all she can do is just be there when he needs her the most...
Needless to say I guss not going home this Diwali was a good decision in the end...why? Coz I needed to see the pain that I was avoiding by drowning myself in all the stupid alochol... The pain of not having a woman in the house who can do all the decoration and nice little things .. and I do know it will be a pain considering all the drapes to be changed and what not..so what do i do? I single handedly change everything in the house .... and it made me feel good.. but at the same time it made me miss being near someone I could look at dressed up all pretty for the occasion and then get tired and sleep at night wondering what I had done right in my life to deserve her to be by my side.... :o) maybe I would see such a day or maybe I won't.. maybe I need to take the plunge anyway.....
After all I can't just run away to Mommy and Daddy on every occasion and feel complete... I dont know if this is a pasing phase but seeing all the marred people working together to get their house look beautiful was heartening and saddening in the same breath..... Sad coz I am still waiting for God knows who..and who as I have increasingly started to beleive might not come to me at all in the way I think she should....
The biggest fear I have of an arranged marriage is the same...what if I am wrong? But then I guess...what if I am right? OhGod..i am so gong to kick myself if I am right... for losing out on all the years I could have spent with her...
Anyway..away from my personal angst..which never ends anyway.... ;o)
Back to Diwali.... :o) So it came and it went and I felt sad for not being able to celebrate it... Maybe it is about time that I realized that no one is concerned how or what I do ..and I need to find my own zone of happiness.. find my own place in the sun... stop hiding in the shade and hoping that someone will come over and pull me out to play and make me laugh and be happy...
I guss the biggest problem wih me is that i end up sacrifing too much for people who dont even understand me and all they care is how much I should understand them and who really do not deserve the kind of importance I give them.. All some people care is whether I am at their beck and call and never really tried to prod why I am so sad and so angry at times.....
Life is such a bitch at times....and I guess so are people..... I mean i an understand people being assholes in office to me...but why in my personal space where I am the softest.. maybe coz it is so easy to hurt me that makes people go after me.... What is hidden from them is that I get hurt very easily and way too much......and it taks time for me to heal myself....a lot of time.. i am not a bloody fucking pendulum that keeps on coming back.... maybe one day i wont come back.... But by the time I come to a decision of not coming back to the ean position i am already too bruised and hurt.... And I keep wondering why I keep doing this to myself.... maybe coz I smwhr blv that things will get worse before they get better..only now I am gtting to realize that maybe somethings just keep on getting worse and are not meant to be good and that the good part was an aberration......
I guess I should stop now else I will keep crying and won't end up writing anything about Diwali :o)
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