Had thought that I will never post anything remotely sad on this blog..all that crap goes into my earlier blog..but now I don't feel like opening my last blog as i am afraid i might get sucked into the same whirlpool I sacrificed so much to get out of.....so here it is...
Just got back from malaysia and am tired..sitting in office..doing some crappy stuff....office work is good but at present feeling tired.....feel like talking to someone .. need a break... need to be with some people I have hurt so much....actually...there lies the root of all my miseries....
Guess there are some actions in life...that makes you hate urself for the rest of ur life..but u can't undo it..and moreso u don't even want to try cause it might re-open the old wounds....and it might get worse....but then somewhere I will always be guilty of certain thinsg I did...and I hope people undertsand that it wasn't meant to hurt them but probably at that point of time...it was meant to hurt myself....but like always ..I am very sure noone will get my twisted mentality... probably coz i don't want people to figure me out......
maybe I am just afraid that it will bring out all the muck buried deep inside.....maybe I have just this proximity problem..as in..U GET TOO CLOSE TO ME..I WILL CUT U OFF.... which is strange.....tried to get out of it...but it has become more of a reflex ....can't help i t.... although I do try to....... but if i could have..I might have been married by now...LOL.....
Have tried everything n the past 4 months to completely change myslef..changd companies..went as far as possible from the ppl I was closest.....but somehow new bonds kept on getting created whenever I broke an old one...at the end I gave up.....stopped breaking all bonds and started mending the ones that were..but I guess there is one special bond..which was so pure and dear to me..that i brke it in the worst possible way.....and NOW...don't have guts to mend it for teh above..I guess it is better that i leave things as they are...after all I have to live with it.... if the other person is getting on with life then I shudn't disturb STATUS QUO...
moreover..what i m most afraid of..I might go back to my old ways and again break it later...and it might be in a worse way...like I have always known.....TH EONLY THING IN THIS WORLD..I FEAR...IS MYSELF...... ( well GOD is not in this world..right :o)... he is out of this world )
So i try to work harder...for longer hours...trying to throw out my past...trying to change myself completely so that even I don't recognize myself.....dunno how far i will be successful..but am trying....
it's like..the Matrix Quote...
"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead … only try to realize the truth."
"What truth?"
"There is no spoon."
"There is no spoon?"
"Then you'll see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."
But what do i do in malaysia when i have free time?? I can't help thinking abt my past....dunno why...!!??
BTW was funny that th first thot that came to my mind as teh plane took off from hyd to Chennai ( where I had to catch the flight to KL ) was...
"I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you humans are not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and we … we are the cure."
Was funny..but it came just lik that when i saw all th houses below.....and all i cud do is laugh inside....
I know I am PSYCHO..so skip re-affirming that...
