Sleepless in Bengaluru ;o)

And I dont know if the reason for being Sleepless is the same :o(
Just that I dont know what is going on in my head..seriously no idea....I just draw a blank when I try and think what is the reason for my insomnia....There just doesn't seem to be one and at the same time there seem to be so many of them all at once.... It is damn confusing for me currently..
To add to this..I am still going to the gym every morning and it makes me even more tired as I am not getting proper sleep at the same time.... Have tried everything...even beer last night.. Nothing seems to work...and I am irritated to the point of crying at my helplessness but all my eyes can feel right now is sleep...
I dont know if it has ever happened to me before and I am just over -reacting or if this is the first time...I guess it has happened before and I ALWAYS over-react!!!
Currently all I am asking for is that I be allowed to sleep well..after all that is my only last escape from everything.....(and to think that some people think that I drink for that...duh!!)
And I dont even know what triggered all this..as far as I remember I was sleeping pretty fine till Saturday night and then suddenly...just lik eout of the blue...on Sunday night I find out I cant sleep!!
Thought that it might be coz I slept well in the day so it is a temporary thing but last night really took the cake....I went to bed at 9 with traces of blood in my alcohol stream.....and guess what? Ok dont...it is easy..I couldnt sleep till 2...or atleast that was the the last time I checked my cell for time... Did everything...took every advice (and my roomie does have loads of them for everything) but still it just didnt come....
If it was a problem or feeling I could put a finger on then I would have resolved it...thought over it..come to a conclusion..no matter how difficult the choice had been and then SLEPT!! But what does one do when he doesn't know the REASON for it all??
The good point was that I was up to wish my bro on his BDay at midnite....and the sad part is that my body is aching as I ended up doing weights today in the gym :o( and am damn tired and sleepy.... My feet feel like they would give way at times and my eyes are closing but I still can't get any sleep...
The worst part of it is that as a result I dont know what I am doing and am checking every second if I am doing the right thing or am just sleep walking? And to top it all I dont know if I am talking /writing sense or just blabbering illogical banter?
Don't know and am just hoping for a good Sleep tonight .. Please God....!!

Aaah Diwali :o)

Somehow Diwali is closer to my heart than Holi or any other festival...dunno hy...maybe th light all around banishing darkness...maybe the sight of a single diya standing tall amidst all the darkness and still holding everyone's attention and looking pretty...Funny it just brought about a corrolary that even I was unprepared for...and that my dear friend doesn't happen very often ;o)

Well,,no point in keeping it inside and I guess that is whole point of this private place/blog of mine... It brought to my mind what a woman in a man's life should be....stand there...tall...keep him from going towards the darkness of despair .... and all she can do is just be there when he needs her the most...

Needless to say I guss not going home this Diwali was a good decision in the end...why? Coz I needed to see the pain that I was avoiding by drowning myself in all the stupid alochol... The pain of not having a woman in the house who can do all the decoration and nice little things .. and I do know it will be a pain considering all the drapes to be changed and what not..so what do i do? I single handedly change everything in the house .... and it made me feel good.. but at the same time it made me miss being near someone I could look at dressed up all pretty for the occasion and then get tired and sleep at night wondering what I had done right in my life to deserve her to be by my side.... :o) maybe I would see such a day or maybe I won't.. maybe I need to take the plunge anyway.....

After all I can't just run away to Mommy and Daddy on every occasion and feel complete... I dont know if this is a pasing phase but seeing all the marred people working together to get their house look beautiful was heartening and saddening in the same breath..... Sad coz I am still waiting for God knows who..and who as I have increasingly started to beleive might not come to me at all in the way I think she should....
The biggest fear I have of an arranged marriage is the same...what if I am wrong? But then I guess...what if I am right? OhGod..i am so gong to kick myself if I am right... for losing out on all the years I could have spent with her...

Anyway..away from my personal angst..which never ends anyway.... ;o)

Back to Diwali.... :o) So it came and it went and I felt sad for not being able to celebrate it... Maybe it is about time that I realized that no one is concerned how or what I do ..and I need to find my own zone of happiness.. find my own place in the sun... stop hiding in the shade and hoping that someone will come over and pull me out to play and make me laugh and be happy...

I guss the biggest problem wih me is that i end up sacrifing too much for people who dont even understand me and all they care is how much I should understand them and who really do not deserve the kind of importance I give them.. All some people care is whether I am at their beck and call and never really tried to prod why I am so sad and so angry at times.....

Life is such a bitch at times....and I guess so are people..... I mean i an understand people being assholes in office to me...but why in my personal space where I am the softest.. maybe coz it is so easy to hurt me that makes people go after me.... What is hidden from them is that I get hurt very easily and way too much......and it taks time for me to heal myself....a lot of time.. i am not a bloody fucking pendulum that keeps on coming back.... maybe one day i wont come back.... But by the time I come to a decision of not coming back to the ean position i am already too bruised and hurt.... And I keep wondering why I keep doing this to myself.... maybe coz I smwhr blv that things will get worse before they get better..only now I am gtting to realize that maybe somethings just keep on getting worse and are not meant to be good and that the good part was an aberration......

I guess I should stop now else I will keep crying and won't end up writing anything about Diwali :o)

Dont know where it goes :o)

And I am still wondering why I ever stopped listening to music in office? Ahhh... the fun and my own personal world where I could walk alone without worrying about anything or anyone...sigh.... I guess it was a bad decision after all.. :o)
So weekend was good to some extent but then came Manu and her fiance...and then it really fucked up my mind..big time..here was this girl who can make any guy happy and be his ideal wife and friend and what does she do? She starts to spoil it all...in any way she can and at the same time not having the guts to do it completely...aaarrrggghhhh...
Maybe that's a part of life? That you will have everything that is needed but even then you end up not using it ..but on the contrary you end up being careless about it to the extent that you spoil it... reminds me of "don't go chasing waterfalls" by TLC :o)

or like always..I might be completely wrong (!!??)..coz inside I realize I am the one confused :o)
Seriously..I don't know what's the problem with me and why can't I see the world in B&W and have to always see it in multiple shades and myriad of shapes... till the time that it freaks me out and I end up hiding under someone ... till I don't get kicked out :o))

So what else is on my mind? The fact that I am lonely at times and the feeling has just been growing over the past month or so and if I am unable to keep it in then it would mean another sad episode in my life..another incident that will start (although I am totally at a loss as to with whom..) and then end up being an unfortunate accident... Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself ?? As in...it is heights of stupidity and I should just let go of all this feeling of "wanting to be needed" and whatever crap my head throws in these times.....

I guess we have to let go of things that hurt us even though they may be very beautiful... I guess letting go is something I need to practise all over again :o) Not that I am as bad as I was about 4 years ago but I nee dto let go of everything and not just everyone.... Hmmm.. But then again I wonder..IS IT TIME???

Oh yess..Time for meeting :o)

Stupid fucking office and what not.....till next time..

Adios..

Always....and Forever..

Confused i.e... I am always confused about things that matter the most in my life esp in matters of the heart... I have never ever..actually..never ever felt so damn sure about anyone that made me feel that this is what you have been waiting for all your life.... this is IT!
Now a simple clarification...to myself mostly....the above doesn't mean I have NEVER felt like that for anyone..but that for a feeling which could lead to a complete change in my life and my goals...shouldn't I ALWAYS be with that feeling?
Currently the problem is that such a feeling comes and then with the same silent swiftness goes away too and I am left wondering as to what led me to feel like that in the first place...
Isn't it weird .....actually I am very strange.. and funnily even though I have been trying for so many years..I will still remain like this... Don't know why ... That is the least of my worries anyway ;o)
maybe that feeling is never meant to come my way and I should just listen to my head and go rather than wait for my heart to feel that way..EVER....
Sad state of affairs but then ..
C'est La Vie!!

Where am I?

I guess with each passing year I am going farther from where I started..I just keep drifting away...and the bloody stupid part is that I dont know if I am drifting towards the shore or away from it? All that I know it is easier to wade with the current now but more difficult to find my bearings.....sigh...don't knw why or what is happeningor why it had to happen...
Just that "It's a part of growing up" doesn't seem like a strong enough argument anymore....
Wonder what else is left for me to see and what else I will have to go through to get through with this life and finally reach the end....And am already regretting saying that ..coz I have this feeling that the worse might just be lurking round the next corner....
Know what...realized that you have to options in this stream of life..either you keep to yourself and then the whole world leaves you there...or you forget your inner self and get on like everyone else...more worldly and more materialistic......Is it a battle you can't win either way or is it that only I lost......
I keep getting better at work and keep getting worse as a human being....where does it end?
How did I get here?
Most imprtantly...where am I? and where am I going from here?