I always had this niggling doubt that I had ESP and can maybe see bad things before they happen and it is scaringly true...
I had this feeling some days back that something will come that will shake my belief in God and then I will have to make a choice.....
And here it is...it happened....
And I chose :o)
I choose to keep the faith :o)
Maybe it just got stronger :o)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Woke up Lonely...AGAIN!!!
And then I woke up again in the morning and felt lonely...AGAIN!! And considering that I was at a frndz place...it makes things sadder...well but then that is how it has always been....and I want to go back to my apartment...nOW!!!!!!!
I want my solitude..I want my balcony....I know I am being childish...but I guess I am like that most of the time.....I want to just lie down on my bed and look up at the ceiling....thinking nothing... just blank.....I want to hold on to my pillow :o(
Last few months have really worsened...things were anyway not good...and had been progressively deteriorating from 2009 Jan....and then it starts getting worse...and I dont knw where it will bottom out...I just want to be ..... maybe Happy is asking for too much..... just be me...
All that I hv wanted in my personal life all along...I have realized over the years is asking for too much...esp from anyone else...and I try to be there for myself and just hug myself when things go wrong.....but that still doesn't take away the need for someone else to come and do that...but then that is life I guess!!!
The situation is altogether very scary in my head right now....and I think every night and day that this is it...it has bottomed out..but everyday I get surprised even more.....it just keeps getting worse....and the fact that I hv to stay at my frnds place for one more day...atleast..isnt making it any better!!
I am unable to work in office and it is just killing me......I have no escape right now....and I feel I am just howling and shrieking down the corridors in my head...and there is no one who seems to hear me.....no one who can see me!!
I want my solitude..I want my balcony....I know I am being childish...but I guess I am like that most of the time.....I want to just lie down on my bed and look up at the ceiling....thinking nothing... just blank.....I want to hold on to my pillow :o(
Last few months have really worsened...things were anyway not good...and had been progressively deteriorating from 2009 Jan....and then it starts getting worse...and I dont knw where it will bottom out...I just want to be ..... maybe Happy is asking for too much..... just be me...
All that I hv wanted in my personal life all along...I have realized over the years is asking for too much...esp from anyone else...and I try to be there for myself and just hug myself when things go wrong.....but that still doesn't take away the need for someone else to come and do that...but then that is life I guess!!!
The situation is altogether very scary in my head right now....and I think every night and day that this is it...it has bottomed out..but everyday I get surprised even more.....it just keeps getting worse....and the fact that I hv to stay at my frnds place for one more day...atleast..isnt making it any better!!
I am unable to work in office and it is just killing me......I have no escape right now....and I feel I am just howling and shrieking down the corridors in my head...and there is no one who seems to hear me.....no one who can see me!!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Wot I've become?
Sometimes I guess Blogging is like therapy for me...lets me take out all my hidden frustrations and anger as the world outside doesn't care and/or I don't want then to know what goes on in my head....
So the whole point is that the last 3-4 months have been kind of surreal.....it is all happening so fast and at the same time it is happening in so many different ways with so many people involved that I am dazed and confused and am unable to understand what or why is this all happening at this time?
So as it happened...I suddenly meet some dames from my past ... and also start thinking about the past and what could have happened and what not....all very strange for me...not that it is painful or something just that it is all to strange for me...and my conclusions this time are even funnier..
E.g. I concluded that if I had ended up with Shikha we would have been divorced by now as I had shown her my best side only...and that she would get on my nerves and I would take on the hurt and still be good...and this kind of an attitude would have only lasted for some years and then I would have retaliated and things would have got out of hand kinds..and then...
Then the dame from office....I think I didn't take her seriously while she was all head over heels and I had been a complete asshole with her....she didn't deserve it all.. but somehow I still ended up doing that to her...sad again.....
And then the other one from offc I couldn't say anything to as I was too tired..but have always felt that would have been the happiest if I would have responded to her..and now she is going to be a mom..May God bless her kid :o) She was the nicest...but I was an asshole again..always rude and what not.....she still kept on being nice..how can I forget the idlis and appams made specially for me for breakfast as I used to get late to office and would miss my b/f... No one has ever done that to me....
Then there have been 2 in the very recent past..as in last 1 year or so....and now when I look back....I guess I have been a total SOB to all the girls in my life.....
Ahhh..why repent now? Well coz I guess I am going to get married soon and I suddenly realize that I might be an asshole to my wife too and that is the one thing I won't be able to handle... I mean.....you have to be the nicest and best-est person to your wife but am too scared that somewhere I would slip back into asshole-ness of mine and God I don't want to...
Dont't know what to do....need to do something about it....and fast
So the whole point is that the last 3-4 months have been kind of surreal.....it is all happening so fast and at the same time it is happening in so many different ways with so many people involved that I am dazed and confused and am unable to understand what or why is this all happening at this time?
So as it happened...I suddenly meet some dames from my past ... and also start thinking about the past and what could have happened and what not....all very strange for me...not that it is painful or something just that it is all to strange for me...and my conclusions this time are even funnier..
E.g. I concluded that if I had ended up with Shikha we would have been divorced by now as I had shown her my best side only...and that she would get on my nerves and I would take on the hurt and still be good...and this kind of an attitude would have only lasted for some years and then I would have retaliated and things would have got out of hand kinds..and then...
Then the dame from office....I think I didn't take her seriously while she was all head over heels and I had been a complete asshole with her....she didn't deserve it all.. but somehow I still ended up doing that to her...sad again.....
And then the other one from offc I couldn't say anything to as I was too tired..but have always felt that would have been the happiest if I would have responded to her..and now she is going to be a mom..May God bless her kid :o) She was the nicest...but I was an asshole again..always rude and what not.....she still kept on being nice..how can I forget the idlis and appams made specially for me for breakfast as I used to get late to office and would miss my b/f... No one has ever done that to me....
Then there have been 2 in the very recent past..as in last 1 year or so....and now when I look back....I guess I have been a total SOB to all the girls in my life.....
Ahhh..why repent now? Well coz I guess I am going to get married soon and I suddenly realize that I might be an asshole to my wife too and that is the one thing I won't be able to handle... I mean.....you have to be the nicest and best-est person to your wife but am too scared that somewhere I would slip back into asshole-ness of mine and God I don't want to...
Dont't know what to do....need to do something about it....and fast
Monday, November 23, 2009
Puducherry :o)
Hmmm..so finally moved my lazy bum and went on with unkown people to an unkown destination....hehehe.. Must confess I was kind of in two minds most of the time till i finally sat in the cab for Pondicherry.....but anyway I guess it was good :o)
SO here I was..standing in front of a mall waiting for people I dodnt know at all about...all I knew were their fone numbers.....and thinking OMFG how screwed can things get from here and why dont I take the auto back home....after all I dont owe anything to anyone and it isnt a compulsion.. but somehow stayed on...
Then came my first co-traveller...and then the second..and then cam ethe cab with 2 more... And that is all I would write abt them as they deserve a separate post all together :o))
So here I was in the back seat all cramped up but had an awesome view of the sky from the rear of the cab...and didnt realize when I felt asleep till the car hit a bump..and I soon realized that sleeping will be a luxury on the last seat of an Innova....still tried and stretched after after 2-3 hrs till I woke up at 5 in the morning to realize that we were almost there....
It was beautiful....the sun rising ever so slowly and palm trees on the roadside and that slight chill in the air that makes you want to go out and take a walk in.... NICE :D
And then we went on a wild goose chase trying to find Auroville...and every one told a different direction..only in the end did we realize that there are multiple ways of going to Auroville :o))
And then when we finally entered Auroville..it was an awesome experience for me....haven't seen anything so serene and beautiful in so many years..maybe because of so many trees around and that it was raining...wow...totally awesome ... and no cars/vehicle...no people also at stretches... just a solitary person walking in deep thought..... I must admit the rain made it all th emore beautiful......
So after going around in circles for almost an hour and a half we finally found the Youth Camp we were to bunk in..and it was even more beautiful (albeit sans any facilities) but all I could see was the sun peeping from the bamboo shoots that had formed an umbrella all over the place... totally awesome :D :D
Yes..everyone else was cribbing but I loved the sun peeping from the shoots.....haven't seen anything like this ever....and all that was around was like a forest....and no humans or animals..... It was literally in the middle of nowhere :D
Then we went about seeing Auroville and I missed a cycle there..I wanted to get lost in the whole forest known as Auroville..in the trees that bend over to embrace you and the red roads that cling on to your shoes....and the sun peeping at you from where it could get an opening .... It was like a different world altogether...... And maybe I didn't want to come out of it :D Just get LOST..never to be FOUND :D
Anyway ...went around and saw the Visitor's center ..
And there was this huge poster of someone meditating in the Matri Mandir (the huge golden globe at the epicenter of Auroville) and it just said "The most important thing to know is yourself" and it just hit me...and then I just kept sinking into the whole idea of Auroville.....
All that is required of a human being is to work..and money and position have no meaning there...everyone just works to the best of their ability and only limit being one's own capability... And suddenly Ayn rand seemed so cosmetic....don't know how..but it did..right there...right then.. you don't own anything..you make your own house..the land belongs to Auroville... and when you die..the house goes back to Auroville.... All solar electricity ... all water harvested on their own...it was a lovely idea that has since not left my mind and somewhere I guess I would always want to go back and contribute some years of work there and see where it takes me from there...
And where ever I saw..I could see people not being held back from anything just that they chose to be quiet and smile at you as if looking at kids who need to grow up to understand things in life which are hidden to them now :o) It was beautiful.....and it kept raining....
Then we moved out after lunch and after catching a nap we went to Puducherry Beach :o) Nothing much to say about the beach after dark but the best part came when we started to look for good pubs around ...and everyone had their list...
It was then that I realized that Puducherry existed in the small by lanes and still was so beautiful...each of the restaurants and pubs would just appear out of nowhere on the roof of some building and had a welcoming ambiance about it all.....
I wanted to sit at each one of them......maybe have nothing but just soak it all....it was beautiful....
Aaahhhh...and Le Cafe...how can I forget that...a cafe in French style...the lone building (if you can call a 2 room single storey house that) on the beach and it served coffee...wow... Just too good.... :D
I was wondering if the next time I would stay at the Promenade or at Auroville.... Maybe both :o)
Then again the next morning we went to Puducherry and found out that you could walk across the bloody city on foot.....wow....just take one street and it goes across the city and it isnt a long walk......and all the places were in the bylanes..... an awesome netwrok of straight parallel roads criss-crossing eah other.... and people driving in from all directions without any traffic signals and going on in a sort of ordered chaos...... :D :D
Minus the humidity and the heat on the day..I just loved the whole experience and would definitely like to go ...maybe all alone this time.....and just get lost at Auroville and then walk through all the by-lanes in the French Quarter and just soak it in.... :D
Maybe AGAIN!!
PS - When you look at the whole plan of Auroville then you understand the method to the madness....It is like the Matri Mandir at the epicenter and the whole place coming out from the it like a tornado swirling from the center or as I saw it..like the EYE :o) Eye to see things clearly... to comprehend the whole new world that awaits us.... to look outside with the focus being on the self....
SO here I was..standing in front of a mall waiting for people I dodnt know at all about...all I knew were their fone numbers.....and thinking OMFG how screwed can things get from here and why dont I take the auto back home....after all I dont owe anything to anyone and it isnt a compulsion.. but somehow stayed on...
Then came my first co-traveller...and then the second..and then cam ethe cab with 2 more... And that is all I would write abt them as they deserve a separate post all together :o))
So here I was in the back seat all cramped up but had an awesome view of the sky from the rear of the cab...and didnt realize when I felt asleep till the car hit a bump..and I soon realized that sleeping will be a luxury on the last seat of an Innova....still tried and stretched after after 2-3 hrs till I woke up at 5 in the morning to realize that we were almost there....
It was beautiful....the sun rising ever so slowly and palm trees on the roadside and that slight chill in the air that makes you want to go out and take a walk in.... NICE :D
And then we went on a wild goose chase trying to find Auroville...and every one told a different direction..only in the end did we realize that there are multiple ways of going to Auroville :o))
And then when we finally entered Auroville..it was an awesome experience for me....haven't seen anything so serene and beautiful in so many years..maybe because of so many trees around and that it was raining...wow...totally awesome ... and no cars/vehicle...no people also at stretches... just a solitary person walking in deep thought..... I must admit the rain made it all th emore beautiful......
So after going around in circles for almost an hour and a half we finally found the Youth Camp we were to bunk in..and it was even more beautiful (albeit sans any facilities) but all I could see was the sun peeping from the bamboo shoots that had formed an umbrella all over the place... totally awesome :D :D
Yes..everyone else was cribbing but I loved the sun peeping from the shoots.....haven't seen anything like this ever....and all that was around was like a forest....and no humans or animals..... It was literally in the middle of nowhere :D
Then we went about seeing Auroville and I missed a cycle there..I wanted to get lost in the whole forest known as Auroville..in the trees that bend over to embrace you and the red roads that cling on to your shoes....and the sun peeping at you from where it could get an opening .... It was like a different world altogether...... And maybe I didn't want to come out of it :D Just get LOST..never to be FOUND :D
Anyway ...went around and saw the Visitor's center ..
And there was this huge poster of someone meditating in the Matri Mandir (the huge golden globe at the epicenter of Auroville) and it just said "The most important thing to know is yourself" and it just hit me...and then I just kept sinking into the whole idea of Auroville.....
All that is required of a human being is to work..and money and position have no meaning there...everyone just works to the best of their ability and only limit being one's own capability... And suddenly Ayn rand seemed so cosmetic....don't know how..but it did..right there...right then.. you don't own anything..you make your own house..the land belongs to Auroville... and when you die..the house goes back to Auroville.... All solar electricity ... all water harvested on their own...it was a lovely idea that has since not left my mind and somewhere I guess I would always want to go back and contribute some years of work there and see where it takes me from there...
And where ever I saw..I could see people not being held back from anything just that they chose to be quiet and smile at you as if looking at kids who need to grow up to understand things in life which are hidden to them now :o) It was beautiful.....and it kept raining....
Then we moved out after lunch and after catching a nap we went to Puducherry Beach :o) Nothing much to say about the beach after dark but the best part came when we started to look for good pubs around ...and everyone had their list...
It was then that I realized that Puducherry existed in the small by lanes and still was so beautiful...each of the restaurants and pubs would just appear out of nowhere on the roof of some building and had a welcoming ambiance about it all.....
I wanted to sit at each one of them......maybe have nothing but just soak it all....it was beautiful....
Aaahhhh...and Le Cafe...how can I forget that...a cafe in French style...the lone building (if you can call a 2 room single storey house that) on the beach and it served coffee...wow... Just too good.... :D
I was wondering if the next time I would stay at the Promenade or at Auroville.... Maybe both :o)
Then again the next morning we went to Puducherry and found out that you could walk across the bloody city on foot.....wow....just take one street and it goes across the city and it isnt a long walk......and all the places were in the bylanes..... an awesome netwrok of straight parallel roads criss-crossing eah other.... and people driving in from all directions without any traffic signals and going on in a sort of ordered chaos...... :D :D
Minus the humidity and the heat on the day..I just loved the whole experience and would definitely like to go ...maybe all alone this time.....and just get lost at Auroville and then walk through all the by-lanes in the French Quarter and just soak it in.... :D
Maybe AGAIN!!
PS - When you look at the whole plan of Auroville then you understand the method to the madness....It is like the Matri Mandir at the epicenter and the whole place coming out from the it like a tornado swirling from the center or as I saw it..like the EYE :o) Eye to see things clearly... to comprehend the whole new world that awaits us.... to look outside with the focus being on the self....
Monday, November 16, 2009
Once in a lifetime
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime :o)
Wonder if any opportunity ever comes the second time in anyone's life :D
So be very careful for what you choose will determine where you go and what you get :D
Maybe if you are lucky you would live it the way it was supposed to be and know the End :D One wrong step and you would end up losing yourself and the last page of your life too :D
And then there won't be anything to erase and no way to rewind the reel :D
Sad but true...eh?
Wonder if any opportunity ever comes the second time in anyone's life :D
So be very careful for what you choose will determine where you go and what you get :D
Maybe if you are lucky you would live it the way it was supposed to be and know the End :D One wrong step and you would end up losing yourself and the last page of your life too :D
And then there won't be anything to erase and no way to rewind the reel :D
Sad but true...eh?
Monday, November 09, 2009
Wow....what a weekend :D
That was one weekend I needed so bad.....without any faltu tension and all... Just total fun :D And yes ..spent money like crazy again :D
So here is how it went...
Friday - After a hectic week....had to go to a party at Gaurav's at Night...have to admit that I wasnt too enthusiastic but hell...something is better than nothing..so Off I went :D And had loads of fun (read RUM) hehehee...and nice snacks :D And then had a good time in the end.. The most shocking thing? A couple said I looked like Karan Johar minus his mannerisms..I must say I blushed :D then Tappu called at nite and then again I was kinda high..... It is soo difficult to keep things inside when you are high and sleepy and you have a friend you trust at the other end :o( Still everything wasnt told but I still feel guilty talking about it...anyway...raat gayi baat gayi ;o)
Saturday - Yes..this time had already worked out what to do on a Saturday...booked tickets for "All the Best" and went to see the movie..Nice :D was hilarious and my mood was soo much better that it is hard to describe :D Then had a beer at Jukebox with Sid and then went home and slept. Got up and saw EPL again :D Had fun as I watche dit till midnight :D
Sunday - Aaahhh..finally Hrishi agrres to go for an outing..so off I went with him to SUnny's and grabbed a beer and then went on a shopping spree... I must say that I needed atleast another 10-12k for my entire shopping to get over but then I didnt :o( But anyway enjoyed buying whatever I did..incl Sexy Shoes :D Came back and had wine and slept...
Monday - Wow..still trying to get out of the weekend fun I had and working hard to keep myself from thinking what I concurred over the weekend..... hmmmm....
I hope I get more weekends where I am not sad in the future.. Please God!!!
So here is how it went...
Friday - After a hectic week....had to go to a party at Gaurav's at Night...have to admit that I wasnt too enthusiastic but hell...something is better than nothing..so Off I went :D And had loads of fun (read RUM) hehehee...and nice snacks :D And then had a good time in the end.. The most shocking thing? A couple said I looked like Karan Johar minus his mannerisms..I must say I blushed :D then Tappu called at nite and then again I was kinda high..... It is soo difficult to keep things inside when you are high and sleepy and you have a friend you trust at the other end :o( Still everything wasnt told but I still feel guilty talking about it...anyway...raat gayi baat gayi ;o)
Saturday - Yes..this time had already worked out what to do on a Saturday...booked tickets for "All the Best" and went to see the movie..Nice :D was hilarious and my mood was soo much better that it is hard to describe :D Then had a beer at Jukebox with Sid and then went home and slept. Got up and saw EPL again :D Had fun as I watche dit till midnight :D
Sunday - Aaahhh..finally Hrishi agrres to go for an outing..so off I went with him to SUnny's and grabbed a beer and then went on a shopping spree... I must say that I needed atleast another 10-12k for my entire shopping to get over but then I didnt :o( But anyway enjoyed buying whatever I did..incl Sexy Shoes :D Came back and had wine and slept...
Monday - Wow..still trying to get out of the weekend fun I had and working hard to keep myself from thinking what I concurred over the weekend..... hmmmm....
I hope I get more weekends where I am not sad in the future.. Please God!!!
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
I'm with you :o)
Been some time since I felt so low and enjoyed it so much...somehow I have the sam eold sad and tingly feeling coming back inside me that I had about 4 years back...and I have to say..I missed it!!
Somewhere I thought I can win ove rit all..Somewhere I had started to believe that life will get better and there will be no more pain in my life I look in the other direction...and that everything's going to be alright!!
Guess what...it hasn't and as I fight my own addictions this old song has opened up some old wounds again..
"Trying to figure out this life..."
Sigh......I don't think I can ever do that...and you know what...I got the saddest thought last night.. So sad that I suddenly wanted a smoke.... The same old dream that I had given up 4 years ago so that I could sleep in peace...the same old thought that I had buried somewhere deep under the debris of my plans....that "there is someone somewhere..." and "all will be ok"...
I dont want to believe it..I know where this will take me...and I am sure I will end up being even more miserable than I am now...but it is pulling me deeper into it with every passing day and I can't resist it...
I feel to weak.....and my pillars of strength have gone now....
I will fall this time....FINALLY!!??
Somewhere I thought I can win ove rit all..Somewhere I had started to believe that life will get better and there will be no more pain in my life I look in the other direction...and that everything's going to be alright!!
Guess what...it hasn't and as I fight my own addictions this old song has opened up some old wounds again..
"Trying to figure out this life..."
Sigh......I don't think I can ever do that...and you know what...I got the saddest thought last night.. So sad that I suddenly wanted a smoke.... The same old dream that I had given up 4 years ago so that I could sleep in peace...the same old thought that I had buried somewhere deep under the debris of my plans....that "there is someone somewhere..." and "all will be ok"...
I dont want to believe it..I know where this will take me...and I am sure I will end up being even more miserable than I am now...but it is pulling me deeper into it with every passing day and I can't resist it...
I feel to weak.....and my pillars of strength have gone now....
I will fall this time....FINALLY!!??
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